


i feel more helpless than i have in years

by nebulousviolet



Series: aftg character studies [7]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Aaron Centric, Character Study, Multi, lowercase abuse, references to drug abuse, references to parental abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 09:33:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11941293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nebulousviolet/pseuds/nebulousviolet
Summary: in the end, aaron and andrew are still on opposite sides of the bathroom door.





	i feel more helpless than i have in years

**Author's Note:**

> hahaha i wrote loads of this on the way to pride thats some irony for ya  
> titles from falsettos (altho this was originally called 'another terrible day' in my drafts frim the pjo musical lmao)  
> dedicated to hadia and also to frostandcoal for all their lovely comments abt this series!!

they’re on opposite sides of the bathroom door. aaron’s hands and arms are shaking; his face wet with tears and sweat and a little something else.  
“why are you doing this?” he demands, hitting the door weakly.  
“don’t ask questions you already know the answers to,” andrew replies, his voice faint but still echoing in aaron’s skull like a bell, like something painful.

but the truth is, aaron sits on the tiled bathroom floor, his head leaning on the side of the bathtub, and he still doesn’t know why andrew picked him. blood is thicker than water, but he is in a bathroom. water is all there is.

*

katelyn roberts sneaks into his life unnoticed at first, creeping into the corners of a frame of a photograph where the only people in focus are his determination to succeed and the bitter taste of andrew’s name and the promise he has made. katelyn roberts sits in these pictures where the camera is aaron’s mind until one day she sits next to him in class and she comes into brilliant clarity.

she smells of sweat, and cheap strawberry shampoo, and long dark hair tickles his arm when she writes. he’s not looking at her, not consciously, but he’s hyperaware of her, and _how dare she, this stranger, get under his skin?_

after class she smiles at him a little, and that’s when it dawns; she is a vixen. she is a cheerleader and he is a jock and _isn’t this stereotypical?_  
“i’m katelyn,” she says, when they begin to pack away. “i cheer for the foxes.”  
and she’s so pretty, dimples and thick curls and all. he glances over at her, and gives her a nod of acknowledgement.  
“you pre-med too?” he asks, more because he’s due to meet up with andrew after this and he’s still unsettling than anything else. she grins again, her eyes blazingly bright like iron in a fire, and she slings on her backpack.  
“yeah,” she admits, then sighs. “i always wanted to go to an ivy league school, but my parents could never have afforded it without financial assistance. it was either going to yale and being in crippling debt for the rest of my life, or this.”  
“it doesn’t change a damn thing, does it?” aaron comments. “the journey. it’s all about the destination in the end.”

he has a funny feeling she can see right through him, and it’s terrifying.

“i guess so,” she shrugs. “anyway, i have to go. we should sit together again sometime.”

she’s not quite a problem, not yet, but her legs are long and her skin is tan and he’s aware of the fact that she’s very very close to being one.

*

“you can’t keep me in here forever!” aaron screams, his voice hoarse, still sitting on the other side of the bathroom door. “you bastard! you can’t just lock up everyone because they won’t play by your rules!”

from the outside, andrew audibly sucks in a breath.

“au contraire, brother,” he says, his voice cruel and twisting. “i cannot lock up anybody who will not play by my rules.”  
“what the fuck is that supposed to mean?” aaron yells. “andrew! let me out!”

the door remains locked. but what exactly did aaron expect? this is the brother who refused to speak to him when he spent weeks tracking him down. this is the brother who found out his mother was dead and laughed. this is the brother who was locked in juvie and didn’t want to come out.

this is the brother everyone has given up on, so he doesn’t make the same mistakes again.

*

katelyn roberts holds him to her promise to sit with him again, and soon they’re not just sitting together in bio - they’re together in chem and english literature, too. sometimes she turns that megawatt smile on him and his breath catches and he has to look away. katelyn roberts, who was in the edge of every photograph, is suddenly his only subject matter.

“you know, you and andrew aren’t all that identical as you think,” she tells him one day, when they’re sitting in the quad and studying for the upcoming quiz. “i can always tell which one of you is which.”  
“what do you mean?” he asks, frowning, turning to look at her. she lights up like the sun, and taps his mouth with one of her orange-painted acrylic nails.  
“this,” she says simply. “andrew wouldn’t do this. he’s manic and unpredictable but he’s not like you. he can’t give without taking.”

he blinks at her, and her lips curve up, peach-tinted and glossy. she looks back down at her work and his breath catches at the way she looks through her lashes and-  
_oh. oh no._

*

“i’m tired,” aaron says quietly, speaking into the gap between the door and the floor. andrew coughs.  
“sleep,” he replies, like it’s obvious. maybe it is. maybe the reasoning for all of this is obvious.

the point is, aaron is still on the other side of the door.

*

aaron is a minyard; he hates begging. but somehow he’s still here, in this coffee shop, asking nicky and dan to cover for him. it’s a strange combination to use as an alibi, but aaron’s a pre-med student, for god’s sake, he knows all about chemical reactions. dan and nicky don’t speak enough for it to look like a conspiracy, and dan’s level-headed enough that she can lie and probably get away with it.

he’s nineteen, and yet here he is, sneaking around like some young teenager having his first fling. andrew has made a fool out of him, but he made him a promise and so aaron has to honour his side of the deal. he is willing to cheat a little, for her. love makes you stupid; it robs you blind and flirts with you all the while.

katelyn doesn’t seem like the robbing type, but no-one ever does.

“please,” he adds almost absently, when he’s finished his plea, and dan looks down at her tea with her hands folded in her lap. she is strong and affable and solid and yet she looks almost delicate. he understands, of course; andrew is a gatekeeper you never want to cross. he hasn’t told her why he needs her to back up his lie, or why he’s lying, but he can tell by the set of jaw that she has an idea. aaron knows dan despises the limits andrew has set, but andrew despises dan full stop. looking at her now, he can’t quite fathom why she is so hated.

“of course,” she says gently, no questions asked.

and there it is. dan and andrew have the same goal of keeping the team safe but use wildly different methods. dan is reasonable, and andrew is so extreme that reasonable is like betraying all of his principles.

“i’m not going to ask why you want me to lie to my cousin - your brother,” nicky declares into his drink, his eyes focused on something faraway. “i won’t because i know the terms of the promise. but you can’t hide from him forever.”  
nicky, for all his occasional air-headedness, is scarily good at unpicking aaron’s plans. but aaron doesn’t have to admit defeat.  
“fucking watch me,” he snarls, and leaves.

*

“you killed her,” aaron weeps, his body wracked with shivers and voice utterly destroyed. “you killed my mother.”  
“she was mine too,” andrew corrects simply from the other side of the door, not acknowledging the first statement. “i didn’t ask to be born.”

that’s obvious. aaron knows what is under those ridiculous armbands of his.

“i want to go home,” he sobs deliriously. “i want my mom. i want to go home.”  
“oh, aaron,” andrew remarks. “the only way to see our mother is to die.”

dying would be better than this, shut up in a bathroom while his body flushes the drugs out of his system. but if that were true, then aaron would’ve killed himself a long time ago.

*

an old memory:  
“i’m so sorry,” his cousin says, and he’s visibly upset but still manages to look happier than he ever did back when he still lived with his parents. aaron wonders how he does it. “i know saving you from my parents is the least i can do, but i hope you can forgive me.”

aaron doesn’t quite understand how you can feel responsible for something that isn’t your fault.

(he does when he finds out about andrew and drake.)

*

“you know if andrew finds out about this, both of us are fucked,” aaron tells her, because he doesn't mess around. katelyn, enigma that she is, throws her head back and laughs, her lipstick smudged from where she’d kissed him.  
“the epitome of romance,” she hums, her smile fading. “ten seconds after the first kiss, he brings up his brother. oh, mama, he’s a real keeper.”  
“you’re not funny,” he says, but he’s pretty sure he’s smiling. “seriously, though. i don’t want you to get hurt.”  
“and i won’t,” she assures, looking him in the eye. he wonders how she does it, being so much taller than him. “he’s going to have to let you go eventually. he can’t hold it over you forever. and when he does, i’ll be there waiting.”  
“don’t make promises you can’t keep,” he says, and she laughs.  
“you’re one to talk.”

*

“you’re sick in the head,” aaron spits, irrationally angry. “i swear to fucking god.”

the truth is this: aaron has been shut up in this bathroom for three days. he sleeps in a bathtub lined with blankets and he’s been under these fluorescent lights so long that he looks half-dead. his head hurts and he’s itching to do something. he’s not even pissed about the bathroom thing anymore. he just wants to get out.

“i know,” andrew says so quietly that aaron isn’t sure if he heard it at all. his voice is strangely somber. “but it doesn’t change a thing.”

and for the first time, aaron sees the similarities between them. once upon a time a boy who grew up to be him wished for a brother. he wasted birthdays and shooting stars and everything you could possibly wish on for this one thing. his wish came true, but not like he’d hoped. and now he’s sitting in the bathroom and he’s thinking of that damn wish that he wasted his life on and through everything, nothing has really changed. aaron and andrew are still in an isolated stalemate. the difference is, they can finally see their opponent.

aaron has always been alone in this world, and so has his brother. they were stupid to think that that could change.

*

“it’s me or him,” aaron declares, and this has to work, _it_ _has_ _to_. “he’s as much of a dealbreaker as katelyn is. you give him up, and i’ll give her up too. i won’t mention her again until graduation. but you don’t get to keep him if you choose me.”  
andrew looks at him, the face so identical to his own, and aaron recalls what katelyn said to him. _you aren't as identical as you think_. perhaps she was wrong though, because he can see the defeat written all over andrew’s face, the same way it was on his when she forced his hand. in a different world where aaron and andrew became different people, perhaps they would’ve been more individual. but you can’t change the past, and aaron knows that all too well, so he waits for andrew’s forfeit in a game where, until now, they have been stuck in a tie.

“this doesn’t mean i have to fucking tolerate her,” andrew hisses, and storms out of betsy’s office. aaron feels his lips curving up into a smile. he’s won, it’s over, katelyn will be fine. he’s almost dizzy with relief, until -  
“wait, will neil be my goddamn brother-in-law?” he yells, and when betsy blinks mildly at him, he runs out too. damn. he knew this was too good to be true.

*

“are you okay?” he whisper-yells, pulling up a chair next to katelyn and kissing her cheek. “did he hurt you? he promised-”  
“no, no, it’s fine,” she assures, wiping away her tears. “i just-” she hiccups, then smiles weakly. “i love you, you know that? but you owe neil.”  
“i do,” he agrees, lacing his fingers through hers. “i’m not going to tell him that, though.”  
she laughs, katelyn roberts lighting up the world again.  
“it was nice when andrew was in rehab,” she hums. “but he was always hanging over us. now it’s like that but...there’s no catch. no loophole. we’re going to be okay.”

he looks at her.

“you’re right,” he agrees, squeezing her hand. “we’ll be okay.”

*

“are you finished?” andrew asks, on the other side of the bathroom door. aaron laughs bitterly.  
“you won’t believe me no matter what i say,” he accuses. “nothing i can do will convince you.”

he’s not talking about the withdrawal.

“you’re wrong,” andrew says simply. “you just haven’t found the right bargaining chip yet.”  
“neither has anyone else,” aaron points out.  
“that’s true,” his brother replies. “but wouldn’t it be great if you were first?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> listen yall know the drill:  
> comments > kudos > nothing!!  
> honestly pls leave comments i swear this wouldnt even exist if it weren't for the lovely comments i received a few days ago from frostandcoal!!  
> also like im rly curious how old yall think i am just from my writing?? yall can guess (in my next fic i'll tell u who was closest)  
> follow me on tumblr for shitposts about the twinyards and anime (bc aaron def went thru a death note phase): vvorkangelica


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